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Trump To Unveil New “Commander in Chief” Uniform At July 4th Event


Article courtesy of guest contributor, T Francis Curran

Newly leaked emails suggest a team of European designers have been furiously working to create a new, glitzy “Commander in Chief” uniform for Donald Trump in time for his heralded July Fourth speech in Washington D.C..

Inside sources tell of a secret “Garment Room” deep within the bowels of the White House where a select staff, lead by “a close family member,” has been holding bi-weekly design reviews. Multiple runway iterations have been presented in closed-door sessions. We’ve been told both former NJ Governor Chris Christie and TV personality Rosanne Barr have been stand-ins for fittings while Trump has been away on official business, or golfing.

It appears that a pleated kilt, paying homage to Trump’s maternal heritage, has been mothballed while a toga-style drapery, reminiscent of Julius Ceaser, Nero and Kent Dorfman has been gaining support. This Romanesque gown featuring imported Egyptian cotton bed sheets would be accentuated with contrasting icons of a dove and a hawk sewn into each shoulder to emphasize Mr. Trump’s strength coupled with compassion.

Other unnamed sources have indicated that the president, ever passionate of his role as the leader of the military, desires a more traditional uniform. Design requirements may include a worthy shoulder insignia, along with a holstered sidearm (possibly a pearl-handled revolver). Due to the risk of reaggravating his Vietnam War era plantar fasciitis, Mr. Trump will arrive at the speech in a camouflage-patterned golf cart, emblazoned with “45” on either side and touting a forward-firing howitzer.

While it is almost certain Trump will “don” a military uniform on this Fourth of July, no one can say for sure what form it will take. Said a source, “Even Mr. Putin has no idea what it will look like.”

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T Francis Curran lives in Westchester, NY


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