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Alabama Zygotes Take Advantage Of New Status


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Having been declared “persons” under Alabama’s newly passed “heartbeat” law, zygotes have begun to utilize their newfound status. They are organizing.

A spokesperson for the zygotes states they have banned together to press Alabama legislators to enact stricter gun control laws. “The zygotes fear they may be the victims of gun violence once they leave the safety of the womb,” said the spokesperson.

Unfortunately, the zygotes lack the necessary funds to successfully lobby lawmakers. Many are applying for social security cards in order to qualify for public assistance. “Most want gainful employment,“ said the spokesperson,” but they haven’t developed any skills. Some cruelly mock the zygotes by pointing out they haven’t developedperiod.”

Still the zygotes are thankful for the new law that redefines an “unborn child, child or person” as “a human being, specifically including an unborn child in utero at any stage of development, regardless of viability.”

Zygotes in other states considering “personhood” laws are taking notice. If they get their rights, like their Alabama brothers and sisters, this could have serious implications for gun control efforts and the continued viability of the NRA.

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